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What do you get when you kiss a bird? Chirpies. It’s a canarial disease, and it’s un-tweatable

What birds spend all their time on their knees? Birds of prey!

What did they call the canary that flew into the pastry dish? Tweetie Pie!

What do you call a very rude bird? A mockingbird

Why couldn’t anyone see the bird? Because it was in da skies! (disguise)

What kind of math do birds like? owlgebra

Which weighs more - a ton of steel or a ton of feathers?… A ton of feathers, because you have to live with the weight of what you did to those poor birds.

Whats the difference between a cat and a comma? One has claws on it’s paws, and the other has pause after a clause.

It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally…

Why is it so hard to find DevOps professionals on Mars?.. There’s no Terraform there yet.

Why did the DevOps Engineer join the army?.. Because they wanted to get deployed

How many DevOps engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb?.. Just one, but they have to first make the light bulb, then the socket, then come up with an automated process while creating institutional change.

Why did the DevOps Engineer have a hard time finding place to live?.. They couldn’t find their desired state.

Why would a DevOps Engineer go to Mars? - To Terraform it.

Why is a DevOps always prepared? Because there’s always something in the pipeline.

Why did the devops engineer translate the bible to yaml?.. Because he was in fer scripture as code

How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None. That’s a hardware problem.

There’s a band called 1023MB. They haven’t had any gigs yet.

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

What did the nut say when it was chasing the other nut?. I’m a cashew

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

Don’t let your mind wander – it’s too little to be let out alone.

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week… and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, “This job isn’t for everyone, but hay, it’s in my jeans.”

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, “Make me one with everything.”

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He’s alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that’s shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back for seconds.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says “Do you smell fish?”

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What’s it called when you put a cow in an elevator? Raising the steaks.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hurdles, but I got over it.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

I read a book on anti-gravity. I couldn’t put it down.

I couldn’t remember how to throw a boomerang but it came back to me.

I decided to put my savings into a boomerang business. Guaranteed return on investment.

What should you do if you are cold? Stand in the corner. It’s 90 degrees.

How does Moses make coffee? Hebrews it.

The energizer bunny went to jail. He was charged with battery.

What did the alien say to the pitcher of water? Take me to your liter.

What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs? You have a vowel movement.

The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray was a seasoned veteran.

Sausage puns are the wurst.

A steak pun is a rare medium well done.

What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.

Why shouldn’t you trust atoms? They make up everything.

What’s it called when you have too many aliens? Extraterrestrials.

Want to hear a pizza joke? Nevermind, it’s too cheesy.

What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.

What do cows tell each other at bedtime? Dairy tales.

Why can’t you take inventory in Afghanistan? Because of the tally ban.

Why didn’t the lion win the race? Because he was racing a cheetah.

What happens to nitrogen when the sun comes up? It becomes daytrogen.

What’s america’s favorite soda? Mini soda.

Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing.

What kind of car does a sheep drive? Their SuBAHHru.

What do you call a french pig? Porque.

What do you call a line of rabbits marching backwards? A receding hairline.

Why don’t vampires go to barbecues? They don’t like steak.

How do trees access the internet? They log on.

Why should you never trust a train? They have loco motives.

Is your refrigerator running? Better go catch it.

The future,the present and the past walked into a bar.Things got a little tense.

I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself this is the last thing I need.

I just found out I’m colorblind. The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.

I’d tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn’t get a reaction.

Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It’s very time consuming.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Read enough of our funny puns, and you’ll be punstoppable.

Yesterday a clown held the door for me. It was a nice jester.

I used to go fishing with Skrillex but he kept dropping the bass.

The wedding was so emotional even the cake was in tiers.

What does a house wear? A dress.

Why can’t bicycles stand up on their own? Since they are 2 tired.

I owe a lot to the sidewalks. They’ve been keeping me off the streets for years.

Imagine if alarm clocks hit you back in the morning.It would be truly alarming.

Why is a skeleton a bad liar? You can see right through it.

What do you receive when you ask a lemon for help? Lemonaid.

A man sued an airline company after it lost his luggage. Sadly, he lost his case.

What does a dog say when he sits down on a piece of sandpaper? Ruff!

What do you call crystal clear urine? 1080pee.

At my boxing club there is only one punch bag. I hate waiting for the punch line!

An untalented gymast walks into a bar.

Einstein developed a theory about space, and it was about time too.

I was accused of being a plagiarist, their word not mine.

My friends say they don’t like skeleton puns. I should put more backbone into them.

Let me FILL you in on my trip to the dentist.

Why does the singer of Cheap Thrills not want us to Sia?

Traveling on a flying carpet is a rugged experience.

Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

The old woman who lived in a shoe wasn’t the sole owner,there were strings attached.

Did you hear about the crime in the parking garage? It was wrong on so many levels.

My new diet consists of aircraft, its a bit plane.

Have you ever tried to milk a cow which has been cut in half? Udder madness.

Why are there fences on graveyards? Because people are dying to get in.

Why do trees have so many friends? They branch out.

Models of dragons are not to scale.

Never discuss infinity with a mathematician, they can go on about it forever.

Why don’t some couples go to the gym? Because some relationships don’t work out.

Don’t trust people that do acupuncture, they’re back stabbers.

A persistent banker wouldn’t stop hitting on me so I asked him to leave me a loan.

I ordered a book of puns last week, but i didn’t get it.

People say i look better without glasses but i just can’t see it.

Don’t judge a meal by the look of the first course. It’s very souperficial.

I heard Donald Trump is going to ban shredded cheese, and make America grate again.

I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.

What do you call a young musician? A minor.

Police were called to a daycare yesterday, where a 2-year-old was resisting a rest.

If artists wear sketchers do linguists wear converse?

I changed my iPod name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.

Jill broke her finger today, but on the other hand she was completely fine.

I smeared some ketchup all over my eyes once. It was a bad idea in Heinz- sight.

I flipped a coin over an issue the other day, it was quite the toss-up.

I got hit in the head with a can of soda? Luckily it was a soft drink.

I heard that the post office was a male dominated industry.

Why isn’t suntanning an Olympic sport? Because the best you can ever get is bronze.

What do you mean June is over? Julying.

Why is Kylo Ren so angry? Beause he’s always Ben Solo.

These reversing cameras are great. Since I got one I haven’t looked back.

The candle quit his job because he felt burned out.

Our maintenance guy lost his legs on the job, now he’s just a handyman.

Models of dragons are not to scale.

Going to bed with music on gave him sound sleep.

A magic tractor drove down the road and turned into a field!

I met some aliens from outer space. They were pretty down to earth.

The plane flight brought my acrophobia to new heights.

My phone has to wear glasses ever since it lost its contacts.

I, for one, like Roman numerals.

How do mountains see? They peak.

The show was called Spongebob Squarepants but everyone knows the star was Patrick.

This is not alcohol, water you thinking?!

Novice pirates make terrible singers because they can’t hit the high seas.

I told my friend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.

The earth’s rotation really makes my day.

If I buy a bigger bed will I have more or less bedroom?

Two peanuts were walking in a tough neighborhood and one of them was a-salted.

Two ropes were walking in a tough neighborhood and one of them was a-frayed.

What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers.

I got a master’s degree in being ignored; no one seems to care.

After eating the ship, the sea monster said, I can’t believe I ate the hull thing.

Smaller babies may be delivered by stork but the heavier ones need a crane.

A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.

I had a pun about insanity but then I lost it.

He couldn’t work out how to fix the washing machine so he threw in the towel.

Why does the man want to buy nine rackets? Cause tennis too many.

Why don’t cannibals eat clowns? Because they taste funny.

If I got paid in lots of Pennes I would make loads of pasta.

I thought I saw a spider on my laptop, but my friend said it was just a bug.

A doctor broke his leg while auditioning for a play.Luckily he still made the cast.

The tale of the haunted refrigerator was chilling.

Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them.

If you wear cowboy clothes are you ranch dressing?

I was addicted to the hokey pokey but I turned myself around.

Simba, you’re falling behind. I must ask you to Mufasa.

I bought a wooden whistle but it wooden whistle.

The bomb didn’t want to go off. So it refused.

The sore mummy needed a Cairo-practor

I feel sorry for shopping carts. They’re always getting pushed around.

The display of still-life art was not at all moving!

On Halloween October is nearly Octover.

Pig puns are so boaring.

Why couldn’t the dead car drive into the cluttered garage? Lack of vroom.

What do you call Samsung’s security guards? Guardians of the Galaxy.

What does Superman have in his drink? Just ice.

How does a penguin build it’s house? Igloos it together.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

The safe was invented by a cop and a robber. It was quite a combination.

What do you do when balloons are hurt? You helium.

One hat says to the other, “You stay here, I’ll go on a head.”

How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.

When does a farmer dance? When he drops the beet.

When the scientist wanted to clone a deer, he bought a doe it yourself kit.

If people ask how many puns I made in Germany I reply, “nein”

Did you hear about the invention of the white board? It was remarkable.

If Donald Trump becomes president, America is going toupee.

Can February March? No, but April May.

I hate Russian Dolls, they are so full of themselves.

What do you do to an open wardrobe? You closet.

The magazine about ceiling fans went out of business due to low circulation.

So what if I don’t know what apocalypse means? It’s not the end of the world!

Some aquatic mammals at the zoo escaped. It was otter chaos.

A backwards poem writes inverse.

Getting the ability to fly would be so uplifting.

I asked my friend, Nick, if he had 5 cents I could borrow. But he was Nicholas.

The soundtrack for Blackfish was orcastrated.

Where do you imprison a skeleton? In a rib cage.

There’s a fine line between the numerator and the denominator.

I used to work at a hairdresser but i just wasn’t cut out for it.

Why is metal and a microwave a match made in heaven? When they met, sparks flew.

The lumberjack loved his new computer. He especially enjoyed logging in.

Garbage collectors are rubbish drivers!

When the church relocated it had an organ transplant.

I saw someone eating a burger in church the other day… Holy Cow!

Lettuce take a moment to appreciate this salad pun.

The scarecrow get promoted because he was outstanding in his field.

Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed.

I never understood odorless chemicals, they never make scents.

What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.

Why was dumbo sad? He felt irrelephant.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

Old skiers never die. They just go down hill.

Did you hear about the pun that was actually funny? Neither have we.

You know why I like egg puns? They crack me up!

Want to hear a pun about ghosts? That’s the spirit!

I used to make clown shoes… which was no small feat.

Did you hear about the human cannonball? Too bad he got fired!

What happened when the magician got mad? She pulled her hare out!

Did you hear about the circus that caught on fire? It was in tents.

The one day of the week that eggs are definitely afraid of is Fry-day.

A hen will always leave her house through the proper eggs-it.

The man who ate too many eggs was considered to be an egg-oholic.

All the hens consider the chef to be very mean because he beats the eggs.

Eskimos keep all of their chilled eggs inside of the egg-loo.

Under the doctor’s advice, the hen is laying off eggs for a few weeks.

I had a real problem making a hard-boiled egg this morning until I cracked it.

The best time of day to eat eggs is at the crack of dawn.

The chicken coop only had 2 doors since if it had 4 doors it would be a sedan.

Crossing a cement mixer and a chicken will result in you getting a brick layer.

That reckless little egg always seems to egg-celerate when he sees the light turn yellow.

Hopefully this egg pun doesn’t make your brain too fried or scrambled.

Don’t ever have multiple people wash dishes together. It’s hard for them to stay in sink.

People using umbrellas always seem to be under the weather.

I dissected an iris today. It was an eye-opening experience.

What was Forrest Gump’s email password? 1forrest1.

A man who took an airline company to court after losing his luggage has lost his case.

What planet is like a circus? Saturn, it has three rings!

Before my father died he worked in a circus as a stilt walker. I used to look up to him.

Why did the lion eat the tightrope walker? He wanted a well-balanced meal!

And the Lord said unto John, Come fourth and receive eternal life… But John came fifth, …and all he got was a toaster.

I once told a chemestry joke. There was no reaction

My Chemistry teacher threw sodium chloride at me! That’s a salt!

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day!

A photon checks into a hotel and is asked if he needs any help with his luggage. He says, “No, I’m traveling light.”

Why did the cat run away from the tree… Because of it’s bark

What did the nut say when it was chasing the other nut? I’m a cashew

What do you call a fish with no eye… fshhh

Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana.

So I’m trying to learn braille… It’s a challlenge, but I’m starting to get a feel for it.

Do not accept a FB friend request from Hormel Foods… It could be spam

My wife left me because I’m too insecure… No wait, she’s back, she just went to make a cup of coffee..

Today I learned: The writer Stephen King has a son named Joe. I’m not joking, but he is.

What gives you the power to walk through walls? Doors.

Why did the blind girl fall into the well? She couldn’t see that well

I recently took up meditation… Beats sitting around doing nothing…

Why didn’t the invisible man go to the doctor for a cure? The doctor couldn’t see him that day.

What is the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter…

I spent four hours last night making a belt out of fresh herbs… What a waist of thyme that turned out to be…

Man with authority walks into a bar… …and orders everyone a round.

9 out of 10 dermatologists agree that towels… …are the leading cause of dry skin.

I BATH IN THE TEARS OF MY ENEMIES! Because I let them cry on my shoulder.

What do Italians eat on Halloween? fettucine afraid-o

What does the networking seal say?… ARP! ARP! ARP!

What did the boy pickle say to the girl pickle?…. You mean a great dill to me

What did the precher say when the chruch burned down?…. Holy Smokes!

Why are dogs afraid to go to space?… Because of the vacuum

Why don’t astronauts care about leaving crumbs everywhere?.. Space is a vacuum.

What’s a dinosaurs least favorite video game?… Asteroids

Very few people know the scientific term for identical twins…. Fetus Repeatus.

Why are cannibals so angry?… They’re fed up with people

Why did the phone need glasses?… Because it lost all its contacts

My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot… It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.

Do You know why there’s religious holidays but no scientific holidays?… Because science always works

I recently began selling faulty jetpacks to fortune tellers… Prophets are flying through the roof.

What would you get if a dinosaur kicked you in back?… A-MEGA-SORE-ASS

My buddy asked if he could crash on my couch tonight. I had to explain to him that I was married now… …and that’s where I sleep.

A dung beetle goes into a bar and asks, “Yo, is this stool taken?”

I really like animal puns.. I know it sounds weird, but just bear with me.

My heart is like a diamond. Cold, hard and has it’s value artificially inflated because of a few select individuals

Why do Jewish men get circumcised? Because Jewish women won’t touch anything unless it’s 20% off

A guy walks past a dog that is licking his balls.. He says to his friend I wish I could do that. He said go ahead. He looks friendly.

How are women and tornadoes alike?… They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.

I texted my wife… “Darling, I’m at the pub having my last beer, I’ll be home in 20 minutes. If I’m not, read the message again…”

I had a friend that was really good at russian roulette. He only lost once…

What is the largest city in Germany?… Ausfahrt, there’s a sign for it at every exit on the highway

What do you call a bear with no teeth?… A gummy bear.

Why can’t Tyrannosaurus rex clap?… Because he’s fucking dead!

What do you call an IT teacher who touches up his students?… A PDF File.

What did the ghost say to the bee?… Boo bee

What kind of bees make milk instead of honey? Boobies.

Why did the baker throw a loaf in the trash?… Because he didn’t knead it

My wife accused me of being immature… I told her to get out of my fort

TIL that, on average, humans eat more bananas than monkeys… This is partially due to the fact that most humans don’t like the taste of monkey.

Why is Santa’s sack so big?.. He only comes once year

What do kids and your mom have in common?… They both like big hairy guys with big sacks

What do you call a Gingerbread Man in a dress? Transginger

How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.

Why did the policeman smell bad? He was on duty.

Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? FO DRIZZLE!

Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl in the bathroom? Because it has a silent pee.

What did the Zen Buddist say to the hotdog vendor? Make me one with everything.

A mushroom walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, get out of here! We don’t serve mushrooms here”. Mushroom says, “why not? I’m a fungai!”

I never make mistakes… I thought I did once; but I was wrong.

What did the little fish say when he swam into a wall? DAM!

Where does a sheep go for a haircut? To the baaaaa baaaaa shop!

What does a nosey pepper do? Gets jalapeno business!

What’s a stripper’s favorite programming language?… pythong

I made a website for orphans.. But it doesn’t have a home page

A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Wow, I’ve never served a weasel before. What can I get you?” “Pop”, goes the weasel.

When you’re an American going into the bathroom, and American coming out. What are you in the bathroom? European

A blonde drops her dress off at the dry cleaners. The shop keeper says. “Come Again!” The blonde says. “No, it’s toothpaste this time.”

If I cut off your feet am I Defeating you?

How do you pay a programmer? In cache!

Why wouldn’t the shrimp share his treasure?… Because he was a little shellfish.

Why is Peter Pan always flying? He neverlands.

Why did the triangle stand on its heels? Because it broke an angle.

3 people walk into a bar. You think they would’ve seen it.

An Englishman, a Scottish man, and an Irish man all walk into a pub with their wives. They all sit down and order a cup of tea. The Englishman looks to his wife and says “could you pass the honey, honey?” The Scottish man thinks to himself how clever that was, then turns to his wife and says “could you pass the sugar, sugar?” The Irish man - not wanting to be out witted by the other two men - looks over at his wife and says “Could you pass me the milk ye fucking cow?”

When someone throws something at the President what do the secret service men yell?… Donald Duck!

Why do divers fall backwards off of the boat?…. Because if the fell forward they’d still be in the boat

I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and thought… Wow this is ledge ‘n dairy

I got a universal remote for Christmas. This changes everything.

I called my wife and told her that I’ll pick up Fish and Chips on the way from work. She didn’t respond…She is still mad about the names I gave our kids.

I once accidentally mixed up the words “Jacuzzi” and “Yakuza”… I am now in hot water with the Japanese mafia.

Why is a leather jacket good for camouflage?… Because it’s made of hide

To the man in the wheelchair who stole my camo jacket…. You can hide but you cant run

What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?… Frankly, I don’t know, and I don’t care.

If you see a robbery at an Apple Store. does that make you an iWitness?

It turns out that Mr. Spock has 3 ears… The left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.

My friends laughed at me when I told them I had a hot date and they said she was imaginary…. Well the jokes on them – they’re imaginary too.

Where did the crayon go for vacation?.. Colorado

My sister introduced me to her newborn daughter yesterday… “Niece to meet you.”, I said.

How do you stop a mole from digging holes in your lawn?… Take away his shovel

It was so cold that I slipped on the frozen newspaper on my way out the door this morning… I must have fallen on hard Times.

I missed the last few cooking classes about making tomato sauce… Looks like I’ve to ketchup with it.

The other day I had a patient who didn’t want to let me stitch up his laceration. Well fine… Suture self

Seems like only yesterday my brother rang to tell me I was an uncle to a baby boy, and that him and his wife were going to name him after me…. The years go by so quickly… Afterme will be 21 next week!

The only gift I got for my birthday was a deck of sticky playing cards… I find that very difficult to deal with.

If a man drives into a woman, which one’s wrong?.. The man ofcourse, who the hell drives in a kitchen?

How do trees stay in shape?… They do planks

Working in a prison isn’t that bad but, you have pros and cons.

If Weird Al ever did a spoof of Post Malone He could be called Prov Olone and just do cheesy rap lyrics

Son: Hey Dad, can you explain “germination”?.. Dad: Well, son. Hitler wanted to make the whole world a Germination.

Van used to steal priceless painting is missing… Everyone wants to know just where did the van go.

What was Adolf Hitler’s favourite work-shift? Nein to five.

My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag… Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.

Did you know diarrhea is hereditary?.. It runs in your jeans

The other day I drank a new kind of tea that is made by steeping a book in hot water… Probably won’t have it again. It was just a novelty

Do you know how to calculate the volume of a pizza with a radius of Z and a thickness of A?.. Pi * Z * Z * A

The doctor told my wife: You have Egyptian flu…you’re going to be a mummy

My wife kicked me out because of my terrible Schwarzenegger impersonations, but don’t worry… I’ll return.

Everyone tells me that I’m Special Ed.. I know I’m Special, but I didn’t know my name was Ed

Smoking will kill you. And Bacon will kill you. But…. Smoking Bacon will Cure it.

A rope walks into a bar… The bartender says, “Get out, we don’t serve your kind.” The rope leaves. He messes up his hair and ties a knot. He walks back into the bar and tries to order a drink. The bartender says, “Didn’t I just tell you to leave?” They rope says, “I’m a frayed knot.

What is the least spoken language in the world?.. Sign Language

To the person who stole my Anti-depressants.. I hope you’re happy now.

Two years ago, my doctor told me that I was going deaf… I haven’t heard from him since

To the guy who invented 0……Thanks for nothing!

I know a guy who is good at wordplay and he also has a strong odour… He is pun gent.

Parallel lines have so much in common… It’s a shame they’ll Never meet.

Do you know why I don’t buy anything with Velcro?… They’re always a rip off!

She asked me if staying at the hotel was a problem… I told her I had one reservation.

What do you call an extra terrestrial fingertip?.. A nail-ien.

Which country has the most upset stomach?… The one that’s always Putin😂

Have you ever seen how they milk an almond?… It’s nuts

What do you call a mummy with a sore throat?… Sir Cough I guess.

My ex-wife still misses me. However, her aim is steadily improving.

I took apart the coffee maker to clean it but can’t figure out how to put it back together…. My wife says this is grounds for divorce…

Finding the perfect mouse for your PC sounds like a hard thing to do… But once your hand gets comfortable using a mouse, it just clicks.

Working in a mirror factory… Now that’s something I can totally see myself doing!

Why don’t people like jokes about the Civil War?… They’re General Lee not funny.

What is Hitler’s favorite weapon?… Tec-Nein

HoW dOeS tHe MoOn CuT hIS hAiR??… EcLiPsE iT

What do you call a Mexican who cannot remember where he parked?… Carlos

I have a chicken proof lawn… It’s impeccable

Meteorology is probably the only science feild where they are good at small talk.

What Does Arnold Schwarzenegger Say At The Beginning Of A Game Of Chess?… I’ll be black.

A Chinese dad’s first son was born before the due date….His name is Sudden Lee

My toy drone just got stuck in a tree. It’s not the least favorite thing that happened to me today,..but it is definitely up there .

An oracle once told me it was fate that I had banged my leg into a table at school… I guess it was my.. Desk to knee.

What did a suicidal person said to another one?… I like you, we should hang.

My wife told me she loves her new white board we put up… I said “I do think it’s rather re-markable.”

I dont usually tell dad jokes… But when i do he laughs.

Want a really good definition of a bad joke? This.

A plateau is the highest form of flattery

People who’ve never had sex can never be good actors, they might get lights, camera, but they never get action.

My local church recently held a masquerade themed dinner and whilst the priest was saying grace I suddenly realised…It was a blessing in disguise.

You’re like a teepee and a yurt at the same time… You’re too tense!

Why is dark spelled with a k and not c?.. Because you cannot see in the dark

What’s the difference between a Greyhound terminal and a lobster with breast implants?.. One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.

What’s a frogs favourite drug?… Croakaine

Whats a snowmans favorite food?…Iced cake

How do you make Holy Water?… You boil the hell out of it.

Why did Mickie break up with Minnie?… Because she was fucking Goofy.

What did the polar bear say to his wife?… YOUR ON THIN ICE.

The real definition of “bastard”… Fish excrement.

Where do poor Italians live? In the spaghetto

What do you call a crazy bug on the moon?… A lunatic

Why can’t you fart in an apple store?… Because it has no Windows

What do you call a group of Jewish people who love Apple products?… Apple juice

What is a pimple’s favourite body of water?… The Pus-ific Ocean.

Why did the geometry set enjoy farming?…. He was pro-tractor.

What is the difference between an apartment building and a stoner?… One is a couple stories high, and the other likes to tell a couple stories while being high.

How do you find Will Smith in the snow?… Follow the fresh prints

What do you call someone with a rubber toe?… Roberto

Why do fish alwasy sing off key?… Because you cant tuna fish

A man’s home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death.

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

When two egotists meet, it’s an I for an I.

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two tired.

What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead give away.)

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don’t pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under.

Every calendar’s days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted - Taint yours and taint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.

Once you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

According to Newton’s 3rd law of motion, for every pulled pork sandwich there must be a pushed pork sandwich.

A programmer walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says, “I’ll have 3 beers please!”

How much do s’mores weigh?…. At least a couple of grahams.

What do you call someone who is good at fishing?… A profishional..

How do you fix a broken jack-o-lantern? With a pumpkin patch.

What monster plays only tricks on Halloween? Prank-enstein!

What’s Mozart doing right now? Decomposing

Why did the ghost go to rehab? He couldn’t handle his boo’s.

What did the fisherman say after a long day? This shoud be sufishient.

Why did the egg leave the comedy club? He didn’t appreciate the yolks

What is a dog’s favorite holiday? Howloween!

I tried to set my password to “beef stew” but it wasn’t stroganoff

The beauty of a pun is in the “Oy!” of the beholder.

I gave my friend 10 puns hoping that one of them would make him laugh. Sadly, no pun in ten did.

You can’t run through a camp site. You can only ran, because it’s past tents.

What’s the best thing about elevator jokes? They work on so many levels.

Have you heard the story about the magic tractor? It drove down the road and turned into a field.